Local Kine Jokes
(Be forewarned... Content may be slightly offensive... laugh at your own risk!)

 

Lawyer Jokes...
with Hawaiian Flavor

1. Did you hear about the new sushi bar on Bishop Street that caters exclusively to lawyers?
   * It's called Sosumi.
2. Why do lawyers never take their cats to Waikiki Beach?
   * Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.
3. How do you get a lawyer out of a Banyan tree?
   * Cut the rope.
4. A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of Honolulu, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"
   * The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."
5. What do you buy a friend graduating from University of Hawaii Law School?
   * A lobotomy.
6. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of Kaneohe Bay?
   * A good start!
7. Why won't Hawaiian sharks attack lawyers?
   * Professional courtesy.
8. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
   * The bucket.
9. How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking?
   * Slam the toilet seat on his head.
10. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
    * God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
11. What is a criminal lawyer?
    * Redundant.
12. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
    * A doberman pinscher.
13. How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
    * His lips move.
14. How do you save a drowning lawyer?
    * Take your foot off his head.
15. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
    * Not enough cement.
16. Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
    * From chasing parked ambulances.
17. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
    * An offer you can't understand.
18. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
    * New Jersey got first pick.
19. It was so cold last night on Mauna Loa... (How cold was it?)
    * ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
20. A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in Hawaii. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
    * The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
21. A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was on the mainland when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a fax to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client faxed back,
    * "Appeal at once!"
22. A man and an alligator walked into a bar. "Do you serve lawyers here?", the man asked. "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man.
    * "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
23. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
    * Depends on how thin you slice them.
24. When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
    * Because deep down, they are all nice guys!
25. How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
    * Never enough.
26. Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
    * No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
27. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
    * One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
28. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
    * When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
29. What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmatian?
    * A dalmatian knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
30. What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
    * Respect.
31. What is the difference between baseball and law?
    * In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
32. What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
    * Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
33. What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
    * The lawyer charges more.
34. What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
    * Yogurt has culture.
35. Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
    * Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
36. What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
    * About three pounds, including the urn.
37. A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked, "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies, "Four!" The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
    * The lawyer pulls the drapes, dim the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
38. Is there a lawyer in the house?
    * KA-BLAM! Anymore?